Lost In Us Page 17

  He frowns, his dark eyes full of confusion. "You dragged me out of class so I could read you the first line?"

  "Yep," I say, slumping back in my chair.

  He laughs. "You are weird."

  "I'll take that as a compliment," I say.

  He blushes, looking away. "I'm glad you got over your food poisoning so quickly."

  My heart skips a beat, because I'm still not sure if he completely bought into the story I made up to explain my absence. I have come to classes when I had a severe case of flu. The normal me would have never missed classes because of food poisoning. But I know that sarcasm isn't among Aidan's skills, so he can only mean what he says.

  "Yeah, it wasn't so bad."

  He checks his watch. "Let's go back."

  "Are you kidding? I am so taking the day off."

  I could take the week off, really. After the past few days, I'd like nothing better than disappearing somewhere, anywhere. But I'm so beyond broke that a spontaneous trip anywhere is completely out of the question.

  "Well, I am going back. Someone has to take notes."

  "There are twenty other people in that class."

  "Have you ever seen anyone except us take notes in Mr. Graham's class? Crap—" he exclaims, catching the soda he accidentally knocked with his elbow just before its contents spill on his black-and-white checkered shirt.

  "Fair point," I say, grabbing the soda away from him.

  He stands and pats my back awkwardly. "Congrats, Serena."

  "Thanks."

  "You should take your time to think about it, don't rush to accept it," he says on his way to the door.

  "Because I have so many other offers," I say sarcastically.

  "You'll get more, I'm sure." He flushes again and adds just before he bolts out of the cafeteria, "You're very smart."

  I slide farther down the chair, stretching my legs and resting my head on the backrest. No more flipping-McDonald's-burgers images to torment me from now on. I play with my phone in my hands, trying to decide who to call first. Mum will be beside herself, insisting that she always knew I'd get the job. Jess will be devastated that I got the news so early, because we won't be able to celebrate the way she originally planned, with a night of clubbing and my first real hangover ever—what with her injured leg and everything. But I'm secretly glad for the excuse to celebrate my way. I have a fancy box of chocolate truffles from Switzerland that I have never opened because I couldn't find a good enough occasion. I can't imagine a better occasion than this one. I glance in the direction of the cafeteria counter. How tempting it is to start celebrating now with obscene amounts of chocolate ice cream. The cafeteria's food is nothing to brag about, but their ice cream is top notch.

  The waitress throws me a sympathetic look from behind the counter, and I get myself two scoops of ice cream, hoping Aidan won't return any time soon. I'm pretty sure ice cream is not exactly recommended in the aftermath of food poisoning. As I take a mouthful, I think of who else I should share my news with. First, I decide to read the email again before I break the news to anyone. Just to make sure it's really there. I open my mailbox and devour the lines that tell me the last years of slogging through heaps of books and papers are finally paying off. I send Jess a text informing her of my news.

  I know who else I'd like to share my news with. Someone who made me think that believing in myself might not be such a heresy. James. But I can't do it. Not after that night. If the last couple of days taught me something, it's that it would be better for me if I forget he exists altogether. No, not better. It's something I have to do. It’s the only thing I can do if I hope the tightness in my chest will vanish someday. I suddenly wish that my job offer wasn't in San Francisco, but some place more distant. The moon, if possible.

  There is someone else I'd like to share the news with, but I can't. Kate. I laugh, taking another mouthful of ice cream, as I imagine what her reaction would be. She'd ruffle my hair, saying she's happy and sad for me at the same time. Happy that I got the job I wanted and sad because it's such a boring one. Then maybe we'd watch a movie together. Who am I kidding? The Kate that watched movies with me for hours at a time was gone long before she died. That Kate only existed in my hopes. If she were alive now… I wouldn't be able to guess what her reaction to my news would be. I wouldn't know if I could find her in the first place, so I could share my news with her. Part of me always feared she'd leave the house one day, and I would never find her again. Perhaps it would've been better that way. At least I could pretend she's still alive.

  It's her birthday tomorrow. Which makes me dread the fact that tomorrow is Saturday. If it were a weekday, I could find a thousand ways to keep busy. But I need to find ways to keep busy over the weekend, too. I have volleyball tomorrow and a ton of assignments for next week; maybe that'll do. If not, I can count on Jess to keep me from getting too depressed. She might not have been too successful the past few days, but she's done brilliantly in finding ways to cheer me up every year on Kate's birthday.

  Jess is listening to music when I enter our apartment. Very loudly.

  "Jess, the neighbors will call the police," I cry. To no avail. She's standing in front of the oven, her back turned to me. With one hand, she's propping herself on her crutch, with the other, she's holding a pan. Her black shorts bear traces of white powder. I instantly recognize the sweet smell floating in the air, filling the entire apartment. Pancakes with caramel topping. Her hair is up in a loose ponytail that looks like it might come down any second now. I walk over to her iPod and turn the volume down a bit.

  "Serena," Jess exclaims, jumping so violently that her pancake lands on the floor, spreading grease and powder on our immaculate tiles. "I didn't hear you come in."

  "No wonder," I bend and clean the mess, then wash my hands. "Can I taste one?" I point to the stack of heart-shaped pancakes on the counter.

  "Sure, I'll just finish cooking these two. You can eat them all; I was starving and ate three while cooking."

  "Excellent," I say. Even after four scoops of ice cream, I can't turn down Jess's pancakes. I make a promise to myself that I won't eat all eight of them though. Last time I did, I was sick.

  "Did you receive my message about the job?" I ask through a mouthful.

  "Of course," she says, turning down the heat on the stove and throwing the pan in the sink. Then she turns around, flashing a wide smile. I breathe, relieved. She hasn't smiled so sincerely since her accident. This is miles better than anything she could have texted back. "But I was too busy organizing things to answer you. Come on, eat up."

  I frown, taking another mouthful. "Organizing what?"

  Her eyes widen in surprise as she pours caramel syrup on the last pancake. "Celebrations. Duh."

  "But—" I splutter, gesturing at her leg.

  "This, my friend, is no reason not to celebrate." She grins. "It's just the perfect excuse so professors aren't that strict with my attendance.”

  I must admit I never thought she'd get away with this for so long. She's at least half an hour late every day for her classes, but so far, so good. Then again, Jess never needed much besides her smile and maybe a low-cut neckline to talk her way out of anything. A bandaged leg really is the supreme weapon for a skilled persuader like her.

  "Besides, I've got reasons to celebrate as well. My doctor said he can take the cast off a full week earlier than he initially thought." She grins. "I'll call the museum in London on Monday to tell them, in case they want to interview me earlier."

  "This is wonderful news, Jess."

  I'm about to grab another pancake when Jess says, "Can you please bring me another hair band?" She points at her loose ponytail. "This one's about to break and I don't want my hair all over the kitchen."

  "Sure."

  I pinch my nose when I enter her room. Jess has been smoking inside here more than usual. I find a gray hair band on her desk, and am about to go back in the kitchen, when something on her desk catches my attention. Her vision board lies
on the desk—a collection of photographs glued on a cardboard depicting her goals. I recognize the Tower of London in one of the photos. I still remember the day she came to me holding a pink paper with the title, What I want to do with my life. I flipped the idea away, not only because I thought it was a childish endeavor, but also because I had no idea what to fill the darn paper with. But Jess did know what to fill her pink paper with. It always amazes me how she seems to know exactly what she wants. And I… I still don't know what I want, or whether working in investment banking really is for me after all. But since I don't know what I want to do, I'd better do what I have to do: get a job. My bank account can't afford waiting for me to discover myself, as Jess calls it. It's fun watching her puzzlement at my inability to know what I want, when she doesn’t have a problem with that. Most impressively, she seems to also know exactly how to get what she wants. I have no doubt she will get the job at the museum in London. It pains me to think I will lose my best friend so soon. It pains me even more to know she'll move to London, of all places. A city I know I won't be visiting too eagerly. Perhaps not at all.

  "I laid out an outfit for you on the bed," she says when I get back.

  "Oh crap. Please tell me it's not the black strip costume you ordered online last week," I joke.

  She scowls. "That was a dress. Though I admit it's at least two palms shorter than I thought. I found an old dress of yours. It's really nice. I don't know why you never wore it."

  I walk to my room and open the door hesitantly, almost afraid to look on the bed. If it's something I've never worn, I bet it's one of Jess's presents that I stuffed in the back of my closet in the hope it would never see the light of day. I gasp when I see it. I remember this dress. And also why I never wore it. It does not belong to me. I remember perfectly the day I first saw it. Kate had taken me out for ice cream, and we were having a contest to see who could eat more scoops in the shortest time (I was winning). The dress was in the window of the shop on the other side of the street. We both admired it while eating ourselves sick, and when we got up Kate said she wanted to try it on. She looked beautiful in it. Stunning, really. The dark green silk on her pale skin gave her something of a royal air. The dress had a black ribbon around the waist, and long sleeves—the only type of sleeves Kate was wearing, to cover her veins. In the days she cared about anyone seeing them, anyway. I thought Kate wanted to mess around. We used to do that a lot, since we couldn't afford shopping very often. So when she went to the cash register with the dress, I expected her to return it. Instead, she got a stack of money out of her purse. I was gob-smacked. It was more money than I'd ever seen Mum or Dad carry around. When I asked her about it she said she'd gotten a job, but I shouldn't tell Mum and Dad yet. She was radiant when we left the store. So was I. It was the first time in months I felt hopeful. Surely, if she'd gotten a job, that meant she was going to get better. It was only after the police told us she'd been shot during a drug deal that I realized what her job was. My parents wouldn't believe it. I hid the dress right after we arrived home, knowing that Mum would go through Kate's things in no time—and finding a dress that cost more than her monthly paycheck would have confirmed her worst fears. That Kate was a drug dealer. I wanted to throw it away, but couldn't bring myself to, so I just took it with me when I moved to San Francisco, and then to Stanford.

  "I can find another dress," Jess says, and I snap my head in her direction. She avoids looking at me. "Looks kind of old-fashioned anyway."

  "Another dress sounds like a good idea," I say quietly. I raise my hand to my forehead and discover a thick sheet of cold sweat has formed on it.

  Jess limps to the bed, and in a matter of seconds the dress is gone.

  "Ah, this is perfect." She reemerges from my closet with a short, light-pink dress with embroidered white sleeves. "I know exactly what kind of makeup goes with it."

  "I'm all yours," I say.

  It takes her forty-five minutes to complete both our makeups and get dressed, during which any desire I had to go out evaporates.

  "So where exactly are we going to celebrate?" I ask, eying my Swiss chocolate box. Staying indoors with chocolate and a good movie never sounded more appealing.

  "Royal Garden."

  "You're kidding. Did we pull a bank job and I don't remember it? That place is expensive, Jess."

  "I know, but you always wanted to go there."

  I did. I was there once in my second year to listen to a speech and immediately proclaimed it my favorite place in the world. It's an eighteenth century mansion that has been turned into a hotel, hidden in a small forest, not far from here. The surrounding area doesn't even resemble California, more like a setting from a fairy tale. The prices are exorbitant, though. The reception in their restaurant had already been paid for by the university, but I glanced at the menu once and knew it'd be a long time before I could afford it.

  "I only got the job offer, Jess. They didn't send me a paycheck in advance."

  "No need. I have a friend who works there who owes me one. I was waiting for the right occasion to ask for the favor. He said he'll give us a heavy discount. Just on drinks, though." She winks. "Hence the pancakes."

  I gape at her. Funny how she can arrange anything anywhere, yet when it came to paying for the damage in the bar, the only thing she thought of was running to James. I don't say anything, though. I'm glad that things are finally calm between us. Besides, it really is nice of her to arrange something like this.

  "So who else is joining us?"

  "Oh, just a couple of people from your class," she says, her eyes glinting as she pulls a bit at her frock. I grin. Other people would wear long skirts, or at least somehow try to hide the cast, but she picked one of her shortest dresses, and painted the flag of England on the cast just above her knee. "Also some of my people, so we can have some real fun. No offense to your economics and computer geeks."

  I chuckle. "None taken. So how did you manage to arrange this in three hours?"

  "You know me. There's nothing that can get me started more than a party. I only needed two and a half, actually. I was half asleep when you texted. By the way, there will also be some people from your volleyball team. Not Jason, though."

  I shudder as I remember the last time I saw Jason. Part of me still wishes James had punched him. The other part wishes I'd gritted my teeth and stayed with him, because that would have saved me from myself and my weakness. I would have avoided everything that followed with James.

  "We'll have a lot of fun," she says, a look of immense satisfaction sprawled on her face.

  "Jess," I say, suddenly terrified of her smile, "I hope James won't be there."

  She shakes her head. "You should cut the man some slack, Serena. If my boyfriend had died in a car crash trying to get away from me, I'd—"

  "Written him a nice epitaph and proceeded to a rebound?" I ask sardonically.

  "I would’ve Googled an epitaph. I'm not particularly skilled with goodbyes. But I would have been affected by it. Anyone would."

  "I know, Jess," I reply.

  "You should know. You still get all worked up about your sister after all these years."

  I freeze in my steps. Jess rarely brings up Kate. Very rarely. Not even on Kate's birthday, when I'm a wreck. She just does her best to cheer me up. But I suppose the reason for my earlier slip with the green dress was more than obvious. And if I have these kinds of slips, why am I asking more of James?

  I know why.

  Because my slips include a lot of crying and breakdowns, triggered by the most random things, like stumbling upon a movie I once saw with Kate. He barely talks about his pain. Maybe if he talked about it he wouldn't leave me stranded in a hospital after I told him I loved him, and then run off to another woman. Maybe if we were both broken in the same way, we would know how to mend each other. Or maybe if I were a better person, I would accept that it's all right not to be the same, and I would try to work things out instead of running away from him. But I am not that pe
rson, and I don't want to risk giving him another chance.

  Because all James and I seem to know is how to hurt each other.

  "Let's go. Or everyone else will be there before us," Jess says, looking worriedly from me to the part of the closet where she hid Kate's dress. It occurs to me that Jess must remember that tomorrow is Kate's birthday. I suddenly realize that her organizing the whole thing tonight isn't just for celebrating our job successes, but also part of her annual effort to prevent me from having a depression attack on Kate's birthday.

  "Sure, let's go," I say. Jess gets out of the room first, and I trail after her. It's not until I reach my door that I realize something's caught on the right heel of my white strappy sandals. A piece of black fabric, a thong perhaps. I bend down to remove it and suck in my breath when I realize what it is. It's the black ribbon that hung on the waist of Kate's dress. It must have fallen off when Jess took the dress away.

  Without thinking, I open my white envelope bag and put the ribbon inside.

  I don't know why, but I am beyond nervous in the cab. I sit next to the driver to give Jess enough space to put up her foot in the back. I try to ignore the driver's less than polite stares. He snorted when we told him the address, then asked us if we know that it's a very expensive place. Now he glares at our purses every few seconds, as if he's afraid we won't pay him. It would serve him right. I should be happy, excited. After all, the news about the job is what I've been waiting and praying for weeks to receive. Months, really. But there's a heaviness in my chest that might or might not have something to do with the ribbon in my bag.

  The sight of the forest surrounding Royal Garden momentarily pushes everything else to the back of my mind—the forest is as enchanting as I remember it. There's nothing but thick trees on either side of the road. I know there is a river here somewhere and I roll the window down a bit to hear it. Sure enough, the distant sound of flowing water reaches my ears. When the mansion comes in view, I feel just like I did when I first saw it. Like I am stepping inside a fairy tale. I turn to Jess and smile, now excited for real. I can't imagine a better place to celebrate. The driver stops in front of the main entrance, and I immediately realize that the long row of steps—part of what gives this place its charming appearance—will be a nightmare for Jess to climb.